38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
