i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
