Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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