you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize