I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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