I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
