There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
