what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
