farters have to be the big spoon...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
