The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
