My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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