I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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