Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Actions speak louder than pants.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
