WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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