All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
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I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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