can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
