So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
