things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize