when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
