This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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