I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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