i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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