That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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