Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
