Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
