Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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