Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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