we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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