the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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