sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
