there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
