You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
