Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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