for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
