if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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