Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
