hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
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I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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