just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
