Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
