I think im going to throw up on grandma
Houston, we have a squirter
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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