and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
