I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
