I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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