The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
