Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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