Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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