you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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