Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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