Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
