Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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