today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The air was thick with penises
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
