My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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