What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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