Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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