Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
