I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
3 2 1 whiskey
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
